


I Know (All the Reasons Why I’m Wrong)

by IPutOnMyHeadphonesWalking



Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Author Is Sleep Deprived, F/M, Heavy Angst, I need sleep, Inner Demons, I’m not sorry, PTSD, Stream of Consciousness, Tony Stark Feels, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony Stark Has Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, Tony Stark-centric, angst angst baby, it’s midnight, whyyyyy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-07
Updated: 2019-07-07
Packaged: 2020-06-23 20:16:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 638
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19708636
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IPutOnMyHeadphonesWalking/pseuds/IPutOnMyHeadphonesWalking
Summary: In which PTSD is a jerk, Pepper doesn’t understand, and Tony Stark finds that he does in fact have the ability to cry.Though the voices in his head tell him that he shouldn’t.





	I Know (All the Reasons Why I’m Wrong)

The world stood still as Tony Stark lay on his bed. He had come to his room for...something. He was going to grab something, what was it?

_It doesn’t matter. ~~you’ll never get it done. lazy lazy lazy lazy lazy lazy~~_

He doesn’t know how, but one moment he was stumbling through his room, and the next he was one his bed.

In his half curled position, he toyed with the blanket, allowing his fingers to lightly trail across it. The soft interwoven threads were interesting to his fingers, and calming to his mind. 

Above him, Jarvis was silent, knowing that his creator was in distress, but he couldn’t help. 

_Am I in distress? ~~no, you’re acting. always acting. acting acting acting~~_

He didn’t feel like it. His mind was non-existent, oddly quiet, as though he was meditating. For once, it wasn’t supplying him with constant facts and calculations and memories. He just lay on his bed staring at nothing. Something in the back of his mind reminded him that he should get work done, but it was soon smothered by the odd nothing-ness. 

His heart clenched and chest tightened. He paid it no mind. They had been doing that recently, trying to barrage him with feelings. It was working, yet he had gotten used to it. Right now, he was just numb.

Numb was a good word for it. Deprived of the power of sensation. No longer aware of the feelings inside of him. 

_Do I even feel? ~~you’re heartless. that’s why Pepper left you. gone gone gone gone~~_

That was a good question. Recently, he’d been floating. Just existing. He had come back from that wormhole a different person. His mask was harder to put up everyday, and it showed. Pepper could see it.

She saw it in the dark of the night, when he would whimper in his sleep against the loneliness of space.

She saw it at press conferences, when he would smile a smile so goddamn fake that even the media was starting to pick up on it.

She saw it when he became distant with her...and eventually pushed her away. 

Walking into their his room, he saw again the empty closet that was once filled with Pepper’s clothes. The empty bedside table mocked him, so obviously empty of the notebooks and novels she had piled beside her. The fully made, empty bed questioned him.

_How did you lose her? ~~Because you’re pathetic. You always have been, always will be-~~_

A sense of hopelessness had washed over him, eating him from the insides, and he had suddenly found himself curled up on the bed. The sense of utter loss pulled at him, and he felt a streak of wetness roll down his cheek.

_When did I start crying easily? ~~Because you’re pathetic and needy. You’re doing this for attention. No amount of crocodile tears will bring her back. You just keep lying and lying and ly-~~_

“ _STOP_!” He yelled, not caring if somebody could hear him, trying to ignore the tears easily rolling down his face, “ _Stop_. Okay? I know, I know, I _know_! I’m trying to be better, just _please_ stop!”

He had never begged like this before, to anyone. Not when his father had hind sprawled out on the floor in pain. Not when he was drowning, being tortured for a stupid weapon, screaming into dirty cave water.

The monsters in his head were always his worst enemies.

~~_You’ll never be better. You’re not trying. If you tried, you would succeed. You’re just failing, like you always have been. You are and always will be nothing. Pepper was right to leave you. She finally realized how much of a loser you were.You will never be anything more than the bad guy trying to be the hero._ ~~

_I know._

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos? Comments? Please? You don’t have to. Sorry for posting this really late. I know I should be posting another chapter to my other fic, but eh. This was a vent fic. I’m tired. I’m honestly impressed that I was able to type this up. Ahhhhh. This wasn’t edited. I don’t know how many mistakes there are. Yeahhh. Goodnight. Hope you guys sleep well. I’m going to fall asleep on the couch now. ‘Cause my dog will get stressed out and get sick if I don’t. How does that work, like?????? Dogs are awesome, but the confuse me. Sweet dreams guys. Stay safe. Love ya <3
> 
> Also, I’d love it if you guys went and checked out the author: tonystarktrash
> 
> He/She is an amazing author and their fic “what’s your wingspan?” Is so freaking amazing, please just go give them some kudos and comments because wow, they’re fabulous. Their fic “touch” is also crazy amazing too.


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